tell your sister to shave her snatch
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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