after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
