4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
