I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
