The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
