Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
