Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
