my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
