Moan for me like Helen Keller
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
