My sheets look like a crime scene.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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