my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
