Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
