Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I am one with the molecules
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
