he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
