I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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