Jerry, you need to find god
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
