were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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