He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
