he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Randomize
