No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
