I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Randomize
