i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
