Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
