I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You have to summon your inner elephant
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
