I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
