Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
