I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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