I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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