Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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