I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
they need to just BURY HIM!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
