You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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