running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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