dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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