Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
