i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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