dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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