he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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