So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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