Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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