My first STD was from a foam party
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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