Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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