Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
