Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Randomize
