This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
