Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
