Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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