Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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