I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
