i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I love you.
Bad choice
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
