i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
